PASSION

Over 10 years ago now, I bought my mom a book called "Reflections from a Mother's Heart: Your life story in your own words" A Family Legacy for Your Children... It was one of those things I thought my mom would like because she loved to write and what a cool thing to have later on after she was gone. Of course, when I bought it, I never would have expected to be reading it just 14 years later. She went ahead and bought a separate one to give to Karen, as well, which was pretty sweet and unique because she wanted the words to be personal to each of us.

After she went home to be with Jesus, we had a lot of planning and work to do getting ready for the memorial. This precious book came to my mind from time to time, and all I really wanted to do was sit at home and read her words. I don't remember how long it was after the service, but I finally received the book and I dove in the first nap of Greta's that I could.

The book was split into months of the year, sometimes having questions relating to holidays and other times it was really not specific to the month. The idea I had, learning of the months, was that maybe I'd read each month as it came. After reading January and February, it was clear that I couldn't stop myself.

I kept reading because I wanted the questions to be different, they were sometimes more superficial and I wanted to keep reading for something more substantial or things I didn't already know. I realized that maybe this wasn't the book I thought it would be and I felt a little disappointed. I think I finished it in a week and then never picked it back up until last week.

When I picked it up, I decided to just read December again, as I had been remembering how one of the last things I asked my mom was "what is your favorite Christmas Carol/song" and she never could really reply. I think it was too hard of a question, but she couldn't explain it as her head was just not quite as "there."
In December, the questions really were more deep, and as I read many of them a lot of emotions were flooding in. Questions like "Describe the Christmas that has been the most meaningful to you" or "Tell me about a time that God answered a specific prayer for you" ... The latter question had to do with me... she finished these books only about 7years ago, mine atleast. I hadn't been married or had kids yet... but the prayer wasn't about those things... it was about the night I flew to Australia and almost missed my connecting flight from LA to Fiji... I had called my dad because I was so frantic, it was one of the scariest moments of my life up to then. My mom was fervently praying that I would make the flight and I'm sure to calm my fears. I couldn't talk to her because we both would just be balling, so my dad's steady unwavering voice led me through. I made it on the flight and I made it to Australia safely!

The more I read in December, led me to wonder if I was so caught up in what I wanted to hear, that maybe there is more that I missed. I plan to read again, maybe actually going month by month next year and taking it slow... even though some of it may be things and stories I've heard numerous times before.

The last two questions of the book were beautifully shared. "What word best describes your life?" In one word she wrote "Passion"... I couldn't agree more. She didn't stand out in the crowd, often times I'd say she stood back from the crowd. She was content to wait and let others go first. But that just goes to show that there is so much more deeper than what we see on the outside. She was passionate as she writes herself: "I care about others, I care about my relationships. I have passion around truth. I have passion around hurting people. I care that people are affimed and cared for. I have passion about "walking your talk" of being authentic and real." ... and there's more she wrote, too. But, I can't reveal everything....
As I continued to read though, it was so beautiful and wonderful, feeling like we were so much alike. Not that I ever doubted, sometimes to my demise :), but it's just affirming... she did that so much for me... I think that's one of my love languages, so to have one of my top "affirmers" in my life gone, there has definitely been a void felt.

Passion... it's not always some big elaborate dream, it's not necessarily your 9-5 job, sometimes it's not what everyone else sees, for mom it was her family, friend relationships and above all God. She nailed it.


I sure miss her.

All I want for Christmas is you... mom....

This season of fall and coming winter has been reminder after reminder of what was going on last year at this time. Our big vacation... coming home to figure out a care schedule, different events like the dance party and just random moments.... but last weekend... it was a big one...
Thanksgiving.
It was the Thursday before mom's birthday and subsequently mine as well, just like it was last year.
I called it "the trifecta"... Thanksgiving. day in between. Mom's birthday. day in between. my birthday! Bam Bam Bam... ugh....
Funny thing is/(was)... I didn't have huge emotional break downs on "the" days... there were a few tears here and there, but it was different than I might have thought. The week leading up to it though, I definitely had some major emotions. My poor husband got the brunt of ugliness, because it not only came as tears and sadness, it worked its way into other places and I had a hard time managing my anger. Little things that only needed to be little, turned into BIG things. Ugliness, that's what it was, but it had to get out. I'm pretty sure that's why "the" days weren't as bad and overly emotional. There's more theory to that in my head, but I don't feel like diving into it at the moment.

Next up... Christmas...
Atleast Thanksgiving was a good preview... Mom loved giving gifts, she was a giver... of tangible gifts and gifts that had no monetary value at all, those were the best! 
My extended family wants Christmas lists, because we are a giving family and enjoy that part of Christmas... although this year it's harder than the rest because all I want for Christmas cannot be bought...

Mom always wrote an end of the year Christmas Letter... she sometimes wrote a mini devotional of sorts. She felt so strongly to drive home that this season is about Jesus coming and ultimately dying for us so that we might live. When I was a kid, I thought it was boring and wondered why the need, but now being older I can appreciate and understand her passion to let others know about the saving love of Jesus.

There's more thoughts and I want to write more, but it's quite late.  The end.