Greta will most likely not actually remember her "Grammy"... it will be stories and pictures.
That's all.
I don't know how to reconcile that... is it even reconcilable? It just snatches the breath right out of me. There are so many pleasantries that one could say to try and console, but honestly just listening is the best anyone could do, as it is with each part of this grieving journey. Everyone is so focused on wanting to take the pain away, because of course, who wants that, right? Well, if I learned one thing from mom, it was definitely that "the only way out, is THROUGH" ... you can't just put a band-aid on the pain... that goes for any trauma or hurt, etc. in life. I digress...
I still remember the moment we heard the tumor was indeed cancer, sitting in the waiting area with my dad, sister, grandma and Aunt Lois, after the initial shock and flood of tears I remember thinking about my youngest niece first, who at the time was about 5years old, how she might only have a few memories. I think I was identifying with the experience I had of losing my grandpa's at around 4 years old. I can only recall about two memories involving my mom's dad and super vague moments of my dad's father. I know I thought about Greta as well, but for some reason just didn't process it the same at that time. Instead, it is now that I am processing it... and I really wish there was a book for super specific things in the process... maybe I should write one... ha!
I know about a year ago I wrote the following sort of things, like, I just want to ask my mom questions about how she parented. How did she answer tough questions... How did she potty train us? Did you ever doubt yourself as a parent early on? And for real, where in the world did I get my "conscientiousness" because it is sometimes quite a nuisance when I want to be confident in the ways we're choosing to raise Greta.
Such a mashup of emotions...
More and more I realize just how lucky I was to have my mom as my mom... It was really clear to me this mother's day as I heard more than one story of estranged relationships, of whom I do not judge in the least bit as everyone has a story. All I know, is that I don't ever want to take what I had for granted.
