this weekend pastor peter spoke about being an underdog, when life just doesn't seem to be stacking up the way you thought it would or things just don't seem to ever go your way. he shared his own story of the beginning of his journey. he also shared about a missionary who was doing some amazing things and then all the sudden it seemed like God turned his back on him. everything terrible that could happen pretty much did happen. eventually the story is redeemed and the glory of God was revealed in his life. pastor peter also shared about moses being in the desert for 40years.

i kinda feel like that missionary, heck i was kind of a missionary about 5 years ago. i came back and lived life way different. i felt like God was asking me to not take my graphic design job back. i obeyed and eventually little things came together. it was bumpy here and there, and i think the timeline of my life events would be very different if i had chosen to go back to my same life. i wouldn't have hung out with Ryan as soon and wouldn't have gotten married or had our beautiful baby girl when i did either.
what i'm getting at is the Lord really did give me the desires of my heart. but now i'm in this torn place of being thankful for all he has given me and wanting to be in a different job, different living situation with a bedroom for Greta and a full size kitchen, a truly dependable car, different circumstances with my mom. i can't compare this place i am in to what that missionary went through, but i often think "what more Lord, what more?"

besides having this huge and heavy loss looming over me, real life stuff won't just stand still for me. so, at the end of the service the question was raised "what do you need to let go of so God can come in and be strong" ... this time i decided it was my job/career ... i am an underdog in my career having been out of it for so long. there's no way many potential jobs would want me... so here i am surrendering because i have no idea what is next. i really enjoy being a barista and talking to customers who turn into friends and vice versa, but i know this is not my future.

all that to say... it's hard do real life and be in this surreal life.


i miss my mom. she's not gone, but i haven't had a real deep regular conversation with her in a long time. we did a little the other day, but it was about her "goodbye party" (aka funeral). with each time they operated on her head there was a little part of "her" that wasn't the same. And now with this new tumor it has reeked a little havoc on her cognitive abilities.
so, how does one begin to find other "moms" out there? i obviously can never ever replace her, nobody else can know the closeness of a mother and daughter. the times like the night before i left for australia with ywam, i was having a mini-panic moment and i laid my head in her lap like i did as a kid and she ran her fingers through my hair and comforted me. nobody else has the comfort and assurance like mom.
ever since i heard the news in February i've thought through many different women in my life who could possibly be some parts of mom, but it doesn't just happen without work. even writing that makes me feel guilty because she is still on this side of heaven. the non-feeling side of me know the reply that "you don't have to feel guilty" but its hard to connect your heart to your brain.

it's late. i am going to bed. more another day.

not me, not my mom

~~
 Sept. 10

this just isn't right. it's not my life. not my mom who was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February. she didn't just go to the ER on Sunday afternoon to eventually find out from an MRI that there is another tumor. that's not what was causing her weakness the last couple weeks and why my dad had to carry her into the movie theater the other night when they wanted to do something fun for a change.

but it is.

i hate it. i hate it with a burning fire. i had plans for my mom, to see Greta graduate preschool, kindergarten, highschool and college. for her to see my future child or children. to be the grandma that she has been to my nieces and nephew. it's not fair and i'm pissed, angry, jealous...

they found a new tumor and the neurologist is only giving her weeks to a couple of months to live. 
~~

i wrote that a few weeks ago. i didn't know a few weeks ago if she'd still be here today, but she is and i'm thankful for that.

so, we started planning right away to go to Florida and Disney World the following week. we made memories... there was joy, laughter, tears, struggle, it was real life and it was a blast! there were times i went to bed at night and prayed that she would be awake in the morning. not because there was anything specific going on, just knowing it could happen any time was kinda scary. it still is.

my baby girl woke up, so i have to cut this short, she is one busy little girl now.

Here's a cute photo from the trip.

Having a blast at Animal Kingdom!