6mos...

Mom,
It has been six whole months since you've been gone. it's weird. more than just weird, it sucks more than anything i've ever experienced. i don't like it, because part of life is moving on and it's feeling familiar. I have a conflict going on inside, still pained by your not being here with us and life going on and needing to move into the next phase and still having a really hard time accepting that. There are new life changes we've had to make... I got a new job, we moved in with dad, and Ryan is going on to grad school. big things. good things. hard things. Life keeps going and it wouldn't be good to just stop and not go with it, that's not healthy, but it's hard.

You would be having so so much fun with Greta right now. I remember a little conversation we had, before you were even diagnosed and she was only about a month. You said something close to, "right now it seems overwhelming and hard, but once she starts interacting and responding to you etc.,  you'll see how all that hard stuff is worth it." It was something like that, and I could see the excitement and joy on your face, in anticipation to see all the new stages you could experience with her too. It's unexplainable the love and joy she brings to me and Ryan on a daily basis. Diane Chinander recently saw a video of Greta on Facebook and said she could see your profile in her, I looked back on it and agreed. She sings her own made up songs in her language and will throw in mommy, daddy, water, cup or other words she knows. It reminds me of how you told me I did the same thing and how you loved to listen to me. I imagine if you were here, you'd tell me again how I did that, too. I love listening to her too and will remind her just like you did me.

A few days ago it was 4th of July, we had a fun time at the house with some of Ryan's family and also Dad, Karen, Pat and the kids. We went to fireworks in Blaine, like last year and found the perfect spot and the two things I kept thinking of that night were, "Mom would've loved them this year because it was SO breezy and kept the skeeters away(that's why i loved it so much too)!!! and The last time I sat and watched fireworks was with you at Epcot." I kept myself from getting too caught up in the emotions, but I was remembering the thoughts I had while watching the ones in Epcot.... wondering and having the feeling that it would be the last fireworks we'd see with you here.

I think I keep hearing you in my ear telling me I need to make a few important phone calls... One in which could help me sort through how to do this grieving thing better. I mean, not that I think I'm doing it wrong, but there are probably more tools out there that would help me when I'm feeling incapable of doing the simplest of things. But that's the irony, the phone calls are those little things that are the hardest to complete.

There are so many more things I could say, that I want so badly to say to you, but to you in person in the flesh and I can't.... I'm so jealous of you, I want to be where you are, yet I never ever want to leave this earth in my early years or until I'm old in my age unless it's the rapture and we who have been redeemed get to go home! I don't know how to end this.... but I must because it is late, you know how it is... I love you so very much and miss you more than words can say...
<3 LisaBecca

p.s. I wanted to show these two pics of us, mom, but man this last years' one barely looks like the real you :( those dumb steroid side effects! Fortunately, your heart deep down stayed in tact....

Back in the day with Hans Bakery cake

2013 Hans Bakery cake (specially made, as they weren't open yet)