Just when you think.....

....you're on the other side of *some* of the grief.... BAM! A curveball comes at you out of nowhere and you feel blindsided... (well, not really on the other side, but it hasn't been hitting you in the parking lot at Cub anymore, or every worship service)...

Yep, that's what happened to me this spring. I've been on and off trying to process this new batch of feelings. For certain reasons, I am not sharing what the actual "curveball" was... but these are the thoughts I have been wrestling with again.

Greta will most likely not actually remember her "Grammy"... it will be stories and pictures.

That's all.

I don't know how to reconcile that... is it even reconcilable? It just snatches the breath right out of me. There are so many pleasantries that one could say to try and console, but honestly just listening is the best anyone could do, as it is with each part of this grieving journey. Everyone is so focused on wanting to take the pain away, because of course, who wants that, right? Well, if I learned one thing from mom, it was definitely that "the only way out, is THROUGH" ... you can't just put a band-aid on the pain... that goes for any trauma or hurt, etc. in life. I digress...

I still remember the moment we heard the tumor was indeed cancer, sitting in the waiting area with my dad, sister, grandma and Aunt Lois, after the initial shock and flood of tears I remember thinking about my youngest niece first, who at the time was about 5years old, how she might only have a few memories. I think I was identifying with the experience I had of losing my grandpa's at around 4 years old. I can only recall about two memories involving my mom's dad and super vague moments of my dad's father. I know I thought about Greta as well, but for some reason just didn't process it the same at that time. Instead, it is now that I am processing it... and I really wish there was a book for super specific things in the process... maybe I should write one... ha!

I know about a year ago I wrote the following sort of things, like, I just want to ask my mom questions about how she parented. How did she answer tough questions... How did she potty train us? Did you ever doubt yourself as a parent early on? And for real, where in the world did I get my "conscientiousness" because it is sometimes quite a nuisance when I want to be confident in the ways we're choosing to raise Greta.


Such a mashup of emotions...


More and more I realize just how lucky I was to have my mom as my mom... It was really clear to me this mother's day as I heard more than one story of estranged relationships, of whom I do not judge in the least bit as everyone has a story. All I know, is that I don't ever want to take what I had for granted.

Jasmine

There is SO much running through my mind tonight... SO much.

I decided to get out my pen and notebook/journal after I wrote that sentence and I feel so much better. It's amazing what journaling/praying/etc. can do to your mind.

On to what I really want to share tonight...

We said goodbye to the sweet family cat, Jasmine, today. Eighteen years ago, my sister snuck her into the house and a week or two later (or may just a day or two, I don't remember), my sister brought her out to show mom. I remember it clearly, and my mom fell in love with the cat and could never be mad! :) Kudos for taking that chance, sis!

We had a cat before Jasmine, but he was a boy cat and I think it was me who insisted on naming him Peaches. In my elementary mind, it made sense because he was peach, how clever and fun, right? My parents must have cringed at my insistence. It feels very strange to even be saying "him" referring to Peaches... Maybe that's what did him in, he knew that Peaches was not a manly name and resented us for it by marking his territory all over the house. It also could have been that we introduced a loud obnoxious and highly over-active golden lab, half way into his life. Whatever the reason, my parents couldn't handle him spraying everything and ended up bringing Peaches, the male cat, to a farm or something. He probably last only 10 years, at best, with us.

After that, I think mom kind of threw out a statement like, "We're not having a cat again!" .... So, when Karen snuck a kitty in the house 18 years ago, I kept my mouth shut. Honestly I don't remember if I even knew for very long before my mom did about Jasmine. But, like I said above, I remember Karen bringing Jasmine into the kitchen where mom was, to break the silence! :) I'm pretty sure she laughed and smiled and fell in love with the sweet little cat right away.

She started out as Karen's cat, was living with her away from mom and dad's for awhile, but when she got married, Jasmine couldn't live at the new apartments. Mom and Dad took her in "temporarily", and I was still living at home so I also got to live with this cat. I remember that she would often sleep on my back and sometimes it was really annoying and I'd throw her off, but other times I didn't mind. When I eventually moved out, there were times I missed her sleeping on my bed or on my back. She was a comforter and really loved people. Grown people that is... when she was quite little, big giant cats tormented her, and toddlers reminded her of them... apparently. Whenever my nieces and nephew would get close, she'd hiss and paw at them.

Jasmine mellowed out in the last couple of years. When we(me, Ryan and Greta) moved in this past summer, she didn't B-line it to the basement when Greta came around. We were all stunned when she let Greta pet her... eventually she let Greta even hold her and hug her without a peep. But, I never would have thought this last gesture would ever happen.... Greta had sneaked downstairs and upon my finding her on my dad's bed, there was Jasmine curled up on Greta's lap. Unbelievable, and sweet and beautiful.

I'm trying to wrap this up and tie it in with my mom, because honestly it is hard to lose Jasmine because she was so close to mom. Night after night for many years she'd sit in mom's lap while watching TV, etc. And, during the last months of mom's life, she was right there... and the last days I don't think she moved at all, except to use the litter box. She was on the bed during our few day vigil with mom. And now? I want to believe she is sitting on mom's lap somewhere....

One Year.... 1-8-14

As if most of the world doesn't know this already, but I'll still say it just because....

Kids and a job and dishes and real life.... it takes a lot of time.

You have to be so intentional to carve out time and then when there's finally time, somedays I just don't want to do anything after my sweetheart goes to bed. The other night, I fell asleep by 9:30pm... unintentionally and woke up again at 5:30am...

I haven't had time to process the book, I've definitely been reading when I get the chance. Lots of good words that continue to make so much sense to the journey I am on now, and the journey I have been on the last 7ish years.

It has been a bit over a week now since the one year mark came. I had to work, and my route that day took me up to Saint Cloud, which is a good hour or more drive.

I'm one of those people who will recall the exact things I did "a year ago at this time" or even after vacations I'd recall "a week ago at this time".... it's just so automatic, I think, when significant things in life happen, be them fun or awful or just plain long and stressful.

I happened to be driving "at the same time last year" mom breathed those awful last breaths. The sound of them could haunt me if I let them. I thought about pulling over or something, but decided against it and called my husband. I cried. It wasn't the first time during that drive, though.

What do you do on an anniversary of a death, anyways? It's not like it was her birthday, it didn't feel right to "celebrate" the day she left my life here on earth. If she was in her 90s, I might celebrate, but I'm not so sure about that either... So, since Ryan had to work that night, I went out with one of my besties, Ang. The place wasn't significant to mom. but I decided to order a hot chocolate in her honor. The story is that she would always order hot chocolate when out to eat because she didn't drink soda or alcohol and so often would be using "DMC" cards which require a beverage. I didn't tell Ang the story before I ordered, so after the waitress left I told her and stopped mid sentence, overcome with emotion. Those darn emotions, but so glad to be with a true friend who welcomed the tears.

It was a good night. Not because I was thinking all about mom, but because I was catching up with a dear friend. And that's what mom loved to do... with all of her dear friends, she remembered them throughout the year... on birthdays, holidays, hard days, regular days.... many days. I left that night, feeling "full" just as I would have if I had met with mom. Of course, I am not comparing or saying that she replaced mom, being "mom" .... it was just the same kind of feeling.

I miss those times with my mom, she knew me and my sister like nobody else in the world. 

breathe in.... breathe out...

I can't believe it has been a year since you breathed your last breaths in this world, mom. 😢

this book. this january.

"Perhaps you know what it feels like to dread the day at hand. Your plans have changed, failed, or come to a screeching halt and you are living in the in-between. Not who you were and not yet who you might become. Like driftwood, thrown into a river three counties over, you feel bewildered and broken. Standing–but all kinds of mangledy-bangledy."

My sister got me this book, The Road to Becoming, by Jenny Simmons, and gave it to me on Christmas Eve, when our families celebrate together, after all the gifts were unwrapped. It wasn't a "present" ... just something she wanted to give me as it was a resource that helped her through this past year. It truly was/is a gift. I could almost say it was the most treasured and meaningful to me this year.

I was crying half way into the preface, you know it's going to be good when that happens. And, near the end of the preface is where that quote at the top of this page came from... It was as if the author had read my mind or something. When she used "the in-between" .... I was gone.... And by gone I mean, immersed in the book and hoping Greta wouldn't wake up for atleast another half hour/hour or more (and streams of tears running down my face for the second time). I was enraptured by the rawness, the words were like water to a parched land. I read it during every nap for two or three days after that and then real life and work happened. I'm halfway through it and plan to dive in soon and process it.

Starting tomorrow, January 5th, I will be "off the charts" of social media. I will be posting my processing blog posts to my facebook account, but not going back to "check on it." So, if you have a comment you want me to see right away, take the time to comment here or... don't :) and I'll see it sometime later.

"There is a moment in each person's journey when leaning into the unknown becomes the only viable pathway to new life. It is at this weighty juncture that a person of faith must ask, "Do I believe the Storyteller knows better than anyone else how to repurpose a piece of driftwood?" If the answer is yes, pack your bags and get ready to follow God into the unknown. The road to becoming is not easy; it is certainly not for the faint of heart. But it is here that we begin to discover new life–life abundant–is alway, ever among us. Dancing on the horizon."

A New Year

A year ago, my sister, dad and I started a vigil of sorts. We knew any day or any moment, could be the last with mom. My desire was for us all to be there, she wanted it that way as well. For about 4/5 days I think we all were at the house taking turns between being at her side/sleeping/eating/giving meds/changing sheets etc. Time would simultaneously drag on and seem to go so slow, yet I often remember thinking how 5pm came up so quickly each day. We were by her bedside right there for her, waiting for her to go and be with Jesus. This week is upon us and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, to be honest. I am just now starting to process it, I guess.

What really started me thinking about it came by way of my sister-in-law, Rachel, giving birth to her little boy, on January 1st!
Her due date was December 28th, so we knew it could be any day before or after. She sent me a text on December 31st, that she was having contractions. I was so excited! So many things were running through my mind. Up to that point, I hadn't ever asked her who would be in the room with her during the labor process. We texted back and forth over a couple hours and she eventually told me that her and her mom(Jodi) went to the hospital and had been admitted. I called Jodi later and I mentioned that if Rachel didn't mind, I would love to be there for some time. I checked in again around 9:30pm and decided I'd wait until the ball dropped since I had my nieces and nephew overnight. I left at 12:30 or so and when I got to Rachel's room they told me she was at a 10! That meant, she was ready to push, for those who may not know. :) I was praying the whole time and would every so often think of my mom who I know would've been praying the whole time, too. I don't know how to describe the rest of the night accept that it was amazing. Looking back on it, realizing that this new year, in the first few hours of 2015, I was able to stand by and watch/usher in this new LIFE. A life being born, into the world... still to this moment it makes me stop. I am speechless to describe how profound and meaningful it was.... that at this time last year, DEATH was upon us... and this year LIFE....

I know my mom ultimately gained her new body and life in heaven, so it wasn't an ultimate death, but it still left us here to mourn and grieve....

This year started out with life, it did for my sister's sister in law as well..... I pray for each of our family members that these new lives would be a symbol to remember the beginning of 2015... whether it is just the small victories or life in places long waited for....

I'm a little late to the "Gungor" band wagon as I just bought their first cd last month. I have heard this song many times, but feel it is so fitting for this....

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us