One Year.... 1-8-14

As if most of the world doesn't know this already, but I'll still say it just because....

Kids and a job and dishes and real life.... it takes a lot of time.

You have to be so intentional to carve out time and then when there's finally time, somedays I just don't want to do anything after my sweetheart goes to bed. The other night, I fell asleep by 9:30pm... unintentionally and woke up again at 5:30am...

I haven't had time to process the book, I've definitely been reading when I get the chance. Lots of good words that continue to make so much sense to the journey I am on now, and the journey I have been on the last 7ish years.

It has been a bit over a week now since the one year mark came. I had to work, and my route that day took me up to Saint Cloud, which is a good hour or more drive.

I'm one of those people who will recall the exact things I did "a year ago at this time" or even after vacations I'd recall "a week ago at this time".... it's just so automatic, I think, when significant things in life happen, be them fun or awful or just plain long and stressful.

I happened to be driving "at the same time last year" mom breathed those awful last breaths. The sound of them could haunt me if I let them. I thought about pulling over or something, but decided against it and called my husband. I cried. It wasn't the first time during that drive, though.

What do you do on an anniversary of a death, anyways? It's not like it was her birthday, it didn't feel right to "celebrate" the day she left my life here on earth. If she was in her 90s, I might celebrate, but I'm not so sure about that either... So, since Ryan had to work that night, I went out with one of my besties, Ang. The place wasn't significant to mom. but I decided to order a hot chocolate in her honor. The story is that she would always order hot chocolate when out to eat because she didn't drink soda or alcohol and so often would be using "DMC" cards which require a beverage. I didn't tell Ang the story before I ordered, so after the waitress left I told her and stopped mid sentence, overcome with emotion. Those darn emotions, but so glad to be with a true friend who welcomed the tears.

It was a good night. Not because I was thinking all about mom, but because I was catching up with a dear friend. And that's what mom loved to do... with all of her dear friends, she remembered them throughout the year... on birthdays, holidays, hard days, regular days.... many days. I left that night, feeling "full" just as I would have if I had met with mom. Of course, I am not comparing or saying that she replaced mom, being "mom" .... it was just the same kind of feeling.

I miss those times with my mom, she knew me and my sister like nobody else in the world. 

breathe in.... breathe out...