what it's all about

Wow. Where to begin. I can't seem to just write, so many ideas of how I should share or if I should share in public these thoughts and emotions. Stop Lisa. Don't let the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", the fear of what others will think, keep you from getting what's inside on the outside.

There's so many thoughts about what I think this blog could or should be, yet it's funny because when I sat down at the computer tonight my idea was just to write a little facebook status about how I've been having lots of emotions about my mom. I was going to share some things and a song that hit me and brought out those emotions. And now... an hour later I've created a blog because a facebook note was too impersonal or something.... I don't know my reasoning... maybe a blog just feels more private because you don't know if others see it unless they actually comment. But, here I go babbling on about nothing pertaining to my actual point of the blog.

Okay. here I go...

Monday, February 11th, 2013 was the day my world shifted, the way I expected my life to continue came to a hault. No actually, it made a lane change, into a lane that I never ever in my life thought I'd be in. I got a phone call from my brother in law who said he was coming over to get Greta because I needed to go to the hospital to see my mom. The Friday previous she had suffered another seizure, but to my knowledge it wasn't anything too serious. Yet, when I got the call, my mind raced. I should almost back track to November when the first seizure happened...

I don't remember the date of it. I just remember the moment. I was at work, it could have been a Wednesday. It was between 8am-10am... the phone rang as I finished taking an order and i picked up the phone. My dad was on the other end and in a very steady and sure voice he said "I called to let you know that mom had a seizure this morning. We were already at the doctors office and she is being brought to North Memorial to get checked out." Or something to that affect, I'm sure he said something like he'd get back to me when he knew more. In the meantime I was continuing to make this guests' drink and I must have had a concerned/scared look on my face because I remember them looking at me concerned. My friend/co-worker Ashley asked me what was going on and I briefly told her, to which she said, "do you need to go?" My first reaction was that it was okay, I could stay until the next person came later, but then a rush of emotion said "No, you need to go, it's okay to go"

What I didn't know on the way to the hospital was that my mom had a grand-mall seizure, that my dad had to see her seize up and look pail and eery. They got it under control with some anti-seizure meds and ran tests all day. They kept her overnight and said she had some formation of cells in her brain that caused bleeding or something (that is so not technical and probably not described right), but that she was most likely born with it and they'll do more scans in a couple weeks to see if it has gone down. They did follow-ups and never really gave her clear information on what's and why's, and they also did a spinal tap to check things out too. I was never clear on what all these tests proved or didn't prove. But, she was being a good girl and not driving and getting around, etc etc.... Things seemed to be normal besides her not being able to drive.

Back to February... the 8th is when she got her license back, and that day at work, she felt the same seizure activity that happened 90days previous... up until then there had been nothing. So, she called my sister and they went to the hospital. As I said in the first paragraph, they kept her all weekend and Monday was the day... the day they got results that were understood. So.... That day when I got to the hospital, my sister met me at the elevators and brought me to mom. I'm pretty sure besides "hello" my mom said to me "I love you so very much" and by the way she was looking at me I knew it wasn't good news. And I sat next to my mom, she took my hand in hers and told me that she had a brain tumor. That they'll have to do a biopsy to see if it is malignant or begnin. Tears poured out of me, it was shocking, to say the least. We sat there and I hugged my mom so tight, so so tight. The rest of the afternoon evening is a blur... well almost a blur... but that almost I'm not ready to talk about... we'll save that for another time.

The next day was Tuesday, and I was still in a blur and at the same time short on sleep with my little Greta only 2mos at the time. I was paralyzed in knowing how to share the news with friends who I knew would care. It was a feeling I had never felt before. I so desperately wanted everyone to know, yet in the same breath didn't want to have a hundred people to keep updated either. It felt completely overwhelming, even with just the few people I did tell. I went to the hospital that night with Greta, even though I felt like eyes were staring me down for having a tiny one at the hospital. I just didn't want to leave her with anyone, and wanted her to see my mom, too. They were precious memories and conversations... I don't remember the exact words said, I just know they were precious.

I went to the hospital the next day with my sister and little miss Greta. Seems like forever ago that Greta was so little and I had such a hard time figuring out when to actually leave the house, but then also needing to at certain times like that day. We got to the hospital and we only had a short time before mom needed to be prepped for the biopsy. Eventually they started and we all waited, me, my dad, sister, grandma, and ("Aunt") Lois :). Greta slept for most of the time, which was so nice because it was just one less thing to worry about. Eventually it finished and we got the final news that it was indeed cancer. The floodgates opened in all of us.... me, my sister and dad squeezed each other tight. And then, my grandma, I can't imagine her pain. We all made calls and eventually transferred up to the ICU. Her recovery went fairly well, she was out of the ICU before 24hours was up.

I didn't plan to write this whole synopsis tonight, it just sorta came out... But, maybe it was/is important for me to document that because it is the turning point for me... when I feel everything changed, well, because it was/did.

In all of this there has been a struggle... it's always this "in-between" of waiting for the next thing... results of a test, and well yeah results of tests... that's what is always is... or results of a scan or of the chemo-therapy and radiation. We have these plans to go on vacation as a big family... what will that look like, will it happen... I don't know, we have to wait for results... most of all praying she'll be getting her strength back and have more energy.... I just don't know... it's so late now and I left my feelings processing time til the end... maybe I'll post again in the next week and continue to share the timeline of events further. And share more emotions....