Isaiah 40:11 and other thoughts on this journey without mom

I heard this verse in the moms book study I attended a couple of weeks ago. It really was what I needed in these last couple weeks.

I've had many days lately where I just want to call mom and tell her that I'm overwhelmed, that everything feels 100 times harder. I want to tell her all the things Greta is doing and I want to bring her over so mom can play with her and joke and follow her around. I watched some home videos awhile back with my sister, they were of my mom with my nieces and nephew when they were around Greta's age. I'm so angry and sad that mom never got to do that with her, that Greta will only have a very small handful of videos to watch of her and Grammy Patti.
I want to hear my mom tell me what to do in different situations, or what she did, or even just to listen and say "It's been so long, but I know you will figure it out..." or something like that.... But, it is comforting to go back to this verse. My God, the good shepherd, carries me, my family, my dad and my sister's family in his arms holding us close to his heart. And will gently lead me with my young. It just caught me off guard, that he specifically says he will lead the mother.

Not having a mother in this still new journey of motherhood is really disappointing and often displacing. I have my sister and many mom friends who obviously have good advice, but it's not the same and it's hard to figure out or just decide who to call. If I even deem it worth a call, because there were plenty of times I'd call mom with the silliest of things. Mom would always welcome any call at any time of day or night. That's one of the things that made her so special and unique, she was there no matter what time, she'd pick up her phone.

So, in those moments, when I feel so overwhelmed and I like I'm the worst mom in the world, I remind myself of that verse above, Isaiah 40:11....
He will lead me, when I don't know what to do and I'm so lost inside, I look to Him and with every frustration and passionate fury I cry out knowing he hears me, he loves me fiercely, he knows my every thought and takes me as I am in whatever emotional state I may be.

I don't know how to explain how I can be so angry and mad that my mom died, and yet not be angry at or blame God... I feel like my anger and love are both raging at the same time. I can't imagine my life without Jesus, who has saved me and been by my side every step of the way and provided for me in so many ways.... and I am so so angry that my mom is gone. I can't imagine that Jesus would take away my mother, whom I love so deeply, how could it happen? Why did He let it happen, it could have ended differently... so many churchy answers run through my head... and the only thing I can reconcile is that, I have never known anything but living in the knowledge that our God is a good God. Maybe it is my personality and nature of how I have grown up. If I let go of that knowledge, or just give up on it, there is no where I'd know to go that leads to anything good. It's another struggle of in between... in between the knowledge and deep belief that our God really is a good and fiercely loving God.... and that I'm hurting and angry that my mom is no longer on this earth. I'm so glad that our God is big enough to handle all of that!