A new kind of waiting

in the first post I wrote about always being in a waiting game.

this new kind of waiting is the worst.

mom is in her last days and though not in much pain physically, she anxiously awaits her place in heaven.

nobody imagines hearing your mom ask "why am i not in heaven yet, did I do something wrong?"

i know the answer is a resounding, "NO, not in the slightest" of course she's not perfect, but if anyone is going to heaven, it's definitely her without a doubt.

that's the thing though, when she asks that question, because she is asking it i find myself asking it myself. don't get me wrong, i believe in God and have a relationship with Jesus, but who wouldn't in their right mind start asking those questions in a time like this. mom's not even in her right mind, it has to be awful for her right now.

so, do i ask why God? yes. i do. why does she have to go through all this waiting. and i feel selfish in not wanting to wait anymore. because i don't want to hear her ask those questions anymore, and be drained anymore. and there's part of the mourning/grieving that can't happen until she's gone. so waiting....

it's christmastime. advent. a season of waiting. come thou long expected jesus. COME, please COME and bring mom home.

        Come, thou long expected Jesus, 
 born to set thy people free; 
 from our fears and sins release us, 
 let us find our rest in thee.  
 Israel's strength and consolation, 
 hope of all the earth thou art; 
 dear desire of every nation, 
 joy of every longing heart.

wow. it has been a month since i wrote last. this last month flew by like none other i've experienced in awhile.
also. it was one year ago today that mom had her first seizure, it's surreal yet sometimes feels like it was just yesterday.

i think mom turned a corner again. last sunday her strength was significantly decreased again. she is much slower on her feet.

this weekend pastor peter spoke about being an underdog, when life just doesn't seem to be stacking up the way you thought it would or things just don't seem to ever go your way. he shared his own story of the beginning of his journey. he also shared about a missionary who was doing some amazing things and then all the sudden it seemed like God turned his back on him. everything terrible that could happen pretty much did happen. eventually the story is redeemed and the glory of God was revealed in his life. pastor peter also shared about moses being in the desert for 40years.

i kinda feel like that missionary, heck i was kind of a missionary about 5 years ago. i came back and lived life way different. i felt like God was asking me to not take my graphic design job back. i obeyed and eventually little things came together. it was bumpy here and there, and i think the timeline of my life events would be very different if i had chosen to go back to my same life. i wouldn't have hung out with Ryan as soon and wouldn't have gotten married or had our beautiful baby girl when i did either.
what i'm getting at is the Lord really did give me the desires of my heart. but now i'm in this torn place of being thankful for all he has given me and wanting to be in a different job, different living situation with a bedroom for Greta and a full size kitchen, a truly dependable car, different circumstances with my mom. i can't compare this place i am in to what that missionary went through, but i often think "what more Lord, what more?"

besides having this huge and heavy loss looming over me, real life stuff won't just stand still for me. so, at the end of the service the question was raised "what do you need to let go of so God can come in and be strong" ... this time i decided it was my job/career ... i am an underdog in my career having been out of it for so long. there's no way many potential jobs would want me... so here i am surrendering because i have no idea what is next. i really enjoy being a barista and talking to customers who turn into friends and vice versa, but i know this is not my future.

all that to say... it's hard do real life and be in this surreal life.


i miss my mom. she's not gone, but i haven't had a real deep regular conversation with her in a long time. we did a little the other day, but it was about her "goodbye party" (aka funeral). with each time they operated on her head there was a little part of "her" that wasn't the same. And now with this new tumor it has reeked a little havoc on her cognitive abilities.
so, how does one begin to find other "moms" out there? i obviously can never ever replace her, nobody else can know the closeness of a mother and daughter. the times like the night before i left for australia with ywam, i was having a mini-panic moment and i laid my head in her lap like i did as a kid and she ran her fingers through my hair and comforted me. nobody else has the comfort and assurance like mom.
ever since i heard the news in February i've thought through many different women in my life who could possibly be some parts of mom, but it doesn't just happen without work. even writing that makes me feel guilty because she is still on this side of heaven. the non-feeling side of me know the reply that "you don't have to feel guilty" but its hard to connect your heart to your brain.

it's late. i am going to bed. more another day.

not me, not my mom

~~
 Sept. 10

this just isn't right. it's not my life. not my mom who was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February. she didn't just go to the ER on Sunday afternoon to eventually find out from an MRI that there is another tumor. that's not what was causing her weakness the last couple weeks and why my dad had to carry her into the movie theater the other night when they wanted to do something fun for a change.

but it is.

i hate it. i hate it with a burning fire. i had plans for my mom, to see Greta graduate preschool, kindergarten, highschool and college. for her to see my future child or children. to be the grandma that she has been to my nieces and nephew. it's not fair and i'm pissed, angry, jealous...

they found a new tumor and the neurologist is only giving her weeks to a couple of months to live. 
~~

i wrote that a few weeks ago. i didn't know a few weeks ago if she'd still be here today, but she is and i'm thankful for that.

so, we started planning right away to go to Florida and Disney World the following week. we made memories... there was joy, laughter, tears, struggle, it was real life and it was a blast! there were times i went to bed at night and prayed that she would be awake in the morning. not because there was anything specific going on, just knowing it could happen any time was kinda scary. it still is.

my baby girl woke up, so i have to cut this short, she is one busy little girl now.

Here's a cute photo from the trip.

Having a blast at Animal Kingdom!

me being real

Isn't that what everyone wants anyways... to hear someone be real?

So, scans were taken and it's good news. The tumor has shrunk. Next step is once every month for five days mom will have oral chemo.

The reality is yes, I am grateful, thankful to God that the tumor has shrunk. I am so glad that I haven't had to say goodbye yet. These results are much better than what the first neurologist gave us as prognosis 4mos ago! It's pretty amazing and awesome when I think of that again.

And, the reality is that we're still in the waiting game... it's always a waiting game. I'm going to have to get used to this feeling I guess. It's a really hard thing to describe, and cancer in the brain is quite different than anything else so it is really hard to feel like there are others who understand.

I am in between feeling happy and still going through being upset that this is the way it is, and wanting to be that "christian girl whose mom is going through cancer, but she is doing so great trusting, etc." ... I don't know that I'm that girl, or should/need to be that girl... I just want to not be dwelling on the negative... I just don't know how... maybe because there is still loss to grieve.

More on that in another blog maybe.

Music has often in my life been something that brings water to my dry places and puts words to what I am feeling or the desires of my heart... Here's a song that is speaking to me lately...

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

NEED YOU NOW (How Many Times) by Plumb (official lyric video)

what it's all about

Wow. Where to begin. I can't seem to just write, so many ideas of how I should share or if I should share in public these thoughts and emotions. Stop Lisa. Don't let the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", the fear of what others will think, keep you from getting what's inside on the outside.

There's so many thoughts about what I think this blog could or should be, yet it's funny because when I sat down at the computer tonight my idea was just to write a little facebook status about how I've been having lots of emotions about my mom. I was going to share some things and a song that hit me and brought out those emotions. And now... an hour later I've created a blog because a facebook note was too impersonal or something.... I don't know my reasoning... maybe a blog just feels more private because you don't know if others see it unless they actually comment. But, here I go babbling on about nothing pertaining to my actual point of the blog.

Okay. here I go...

Monday, February 11th, 2013 was the day my world shifted, the way I expected my life to continue came to a hault. No actually, it made a lane change, into a lane that I never ever in my life thought I'd be in. I got a phone call from my brother in law who said he was coming over to get Greta because I needed to go to the hospital to see my mom. The Friday previous she had suffered another seizure, but to my knowledge it wasn't anything too serious. Yet, when I got the call, my mind raced. I should almost back track to November when the first seizure happened...

I don't remember the date of it. I just remember the moment. I was at work, it could have been a Wednesday. It was between 8am-10am... the phone rang as I finished taking an order and i picked up the phone. My dad was on the other end and in a very steady and sure voice he said "I called to let you know that mom had a seizure this morning. We were already at the doctors office and she is being brought to North Memorial to get checked out." Or something to that affect, I'm sure he said something like he'd get back to me when he knew more. In the meantime I was continuing to make this guests' drink and I must have had a concerned/scared look on my face because I remember them looking at me concerned. My friend/co-worker Ashley asked me what was going on and I briefly told her, to which she said, "do you need to go?" My first reaction was that it was okay, I could stay until the next person came later, but then a rush of emotion said "No, you need to go, it's okay to go"

What I didn't know on the way to the hospital was that my mom had a grand-mall seizure, that my dad had to see her seize up and look pail and eery. They got it under control with some anti-seizure meds and ran tests all day. They kept her overnight and said she had some formation of cells in her brain that caused bleeding or something (that is so not technical and probably not described right), but that she was most likely born with it and they'll do more scans in a couple weeks to see if it has gone down. They did follow-ups and never really gave her clear information on what's and why's, and they also did a spinal tap to check things out too. I was never clear on what all these tests proved or didn't prove. But, she was being a good girl and not driving and getting around, etc etc.... Things seemed to be normal besides her not being able to drive.

Back to February... the 8th is when she got her license back, and that day at work, she felt the same seizure activity that happened 90days previous... up until then there had been nothing. So, she called my sister and they went to the hospital. As I said in the first paragraph, they kept her all weekend and Monday was the day... the day they got results that were understood. So.... That day when I got to the hospital, my sister met me at the elevators and brought me to mom. I'm pretty sure besides "hello" my mom said to me "I love you so very much" and by the way she was looking at me I knew it wasn't good news. And I sat next to my mom, she took my hand in hers and told me that she had a brain tumor. That they'll have to do a biopsy to see if it is malignant or begnin. Tears poured out of me, it was shocking, to say the least. We sat there and I hugged my mom so tight, so so tight. The rest of the afternoon evening is a blur... well almost a blur... but that almost I'm not ready to talk about... we'll save that for another time.

The next day was Tuesday, and I was still in a blur and at the same time short on sleep with my little Greta only 2mos at the time. I was paralyzed in knowing how to share the news with friends who I knew would care. It was a feeling I had never felt before. I so desperately wanted everyone to know, yet in the same breath didn't want to have a hundred people to keep updated either. It felt completely overwhelming, even with just the few people I did tell. I went to the hospital that night with Greta, even though I felt like eyes were staring me down for having a tiny one at the hospital. I just didn't want to leave her with anyone, and wanted her to see my mom, too. They were precious memories and conversations... I don't remember the exact words said, I just know they were precious.

I went to the hospital the next day with my sister and little miss Greta. Seems like forever ago that Greta was so little and I had such a hard time figuring out when to actually leave the house, but then also needing to at certain times like that day. We got to the hospital and we only had a short time before mom needed to be prepped for the biopsy. Eventually they started and we all waited, me, my dad, sister, grandma, and ("Aunt") Lois :). Greta slept for most of the time, which was so nice because it was just one less thing to worry about. Eventually it finished and we got the final news that it was indeed cancer. The floodgates opened in all of us.... me, my sister and dad squeezed each other tight. And then, my grandma, I can't imagine her pain. We all made calls and eventually transferred up to the ICU. Her recovery went fairly well, she was out of the ICU before 24hours was up.

I didn't plan to write this whole synopsis tonight, it just sorta came out... But, maybe it was/is important for me to document that because it is the turning point for me... when I feel everything changed, well, because it was/did.

In all of this there has been a struggle... it's always this "in-between" of waiting for the next thing... results of a test, and well yeah results of tests... that's what is always is... or results of a scan or of the chemo-therapy and radiation. We have these plans to go on vacation as a big family... what will that look like, will it happen... I don't know, we have to wait for results... most of all praying she'll be getting her strength back and have more energy.... I just don't know... it's so late now and I left my feelings processing time til the end... maybe I'll post again in the next week and continue to share the timeline of events further. And share more emotions....