The struggle of in-between... still another new kind of waiting and "in between"

I feel stuck sometimes. Not knowing how to respond to people when they ask "how are you"... the auto-pilot response kicks in much too quickly, still. "good" I'm definitely not "good" whatever that is, and yet I'm not unable to function as a normal human being.(whatever "normal" is)

People can't see grief. Even when they know what's going on. It doesn't look like someone crying for 24 hours/7days a week. And it's different for everyone. Feelings come when you least expect it sometimes.

I don't even know exactly what or how to write... I just really miss my mom and the struggle is living in this in between place. A place that will always remind me of her, no matter where we live, and it's good and it's hard. I want to be where she is, but I would never want to leave this place too soon as she did. It feels so odd because somehow this was God's plan, it's still hard to understand.

I cry when I think of things that pertain to Greta... just spending "grammy time" with her, seeing her open presents, walk all around, touch her nose when prompted, so many things... asking her parenting advice, or just get encouragement in parenting.

I broke down when I saw commercials for the Winter Olympics that are coming soon, as she loved watching the ice skating.

There are other random things that come up too... the things themselves aren't random but the moments they pop up are...


It feels strange not to be posting updates and such. It's nice to not have a lot of extra stuff to do, but it's quiet and lonely too. There was such a purpose and reason to all of the "busyness," and now it has finished. There was always a reason to see my sister and dad... not that there HAS to be a reason now, but at the same time it's how most people function.

What next?
I should google "Handbook on how to grieve and move on with your life at the same time"... I have a lot of ideas of ways to live out mom's legacy... individuals who I want to invest time in that may not have others to do so. There is more, but at the same time I feel like I'm walking in mud, or trying to run and then realizing I have to slow down before I fall face first.

So... yeah... still a struggle of in between... maybe that's just how life is really... in between one thing going on to the next...