PASSION

Over 10 years ago now, I bought my mom a book called "Reflections from a Mother's Heart: Your life story in your own words" A Family Legacy for Your Children... It was one of those things I thought my mom would like because she loved to write and what a cool thing to have later on after she was gone. Of course, when I bought it, I never would have expected to be reading it just 14 years later. She went ahead and bought a separate one to give to Karen, as well, which was pretty sweet and unique because she wanted the words to be personal to each of us.

After she went home to be with Jesus, we had a lot of planning and work to do getting ready for the memorial. This precious book came to my mind from time to time, and all I really wanted to do was sit at home and read her words. I don't remember how long it was after the service, but I finally received the book and I dove in the first nap of Greta's that I could.

The book was split into months of the year, sometimes having questions relating to holidays and other times it was really not specific to the month. The idea I had, learning of the months, was that maybe I'd read each month as it came. After reading January and February, it was clear that I couldn't stop myself.

I kept reading because I wanted the questions to be different, they were sometimes more superficial and I wanted to keep reading for something more substantial or things I didn't already know. I realized that maybe this wasn't the book I thought it would be and I felt a little disappointed. I think I finished it in a week and then never picked it back up until last week.

When I picked it up, I decided to just read December again, as I had been remembering how one of the last things I asked my mom was "what is your favorite Christmas Carol/song" and she never could really reply. I think it was too hard of a question, but she couldn't explain it as her head was just not quite as "there."
In December, the questions really were more deep, and as I read many of them a lot of emotions were flooding in. Questions like "Describe the Christmas that has been the most meaningful to you" or "Tell me about a time that God answered a specific prayer for you" ... The latter question had to do with me... she finished these books only about 7years ago, mine atleast. I hadn't been married or had kids yet... but the prayer wasn't about those things... it was about the night I flew to Australia and almost missed my connecting flight from LA to Fiji... I had called my dad because I was so frantic, it was one of the scariest moments of my life up to then. My mom was fervently praying that I would make the flight and I'm sure to calm my fears. I couldn't talk to her because we both would just be balling, so my dad's steady unwavering voice led me through. I made it on the flight and I made it to Australia safely!

The more I read in December, led me to wonder if I was so caught up in what I wanted to hear, that maybe there is more that I missed. I plan to read again, maybe actually going month by month next year and taking it slow... even though some of it may be things and stories I've heard numerous times before.

The last two questions of the book were beautifully shared. "What word best describes your life?" In one word she wrote "Passion"... I couldn't agree more. She didn't stand out in the crowd, often times I'd say she stood back from the crowd. She was content to wait and let others go first. But that just goes to show that there is so much more deeper than what we see on the outside. She was passionate as she writes herself: "I care about others, I care about my relationships. I have passion around truth. I have passion around hurting people. I care that people are affimed and cared for. I have passion about "walking your talk" of being authentic and real." ... and there's more she wrote, too. But, I can't reveal everything....
As I continued to read though, it was so beautiful and wonderful, feeling like we were so much alike. Not that I ever doubted, sometimes to my demise :), but it's just affirming... she did that so much for me... I think that's one of my love languages, so to have one of my top "affirmers" in my life gone, there has definitely been a void felt.

Passion... it's not always some big elaborate dream, it's not necessarily your 9-5 job, sometimes it's not what everyone else sees, for mom it was her family, friend relationships and above all God. She nailed it.


I sure miss her.

All I want for Christmas is you... mom....

This season of fall and coming winter has been reminder after reminder of what was going on last year at this time. Our big vacation... coming home to figure out a care schedule, different events like the dance party and just random moments.... but last weekend... it was a big one...
Thanksgiving.
It was the Thursday before mom's birthday and subsequently mine as well, just like it was last year.
I called it "the trifecta"... Thanksgiving. day in between. Mom's birthday. day in between. my birthday! Bam Bam Bam... ugh....
Funny thing is/(was)... I didn't have huge emotional break downs on "the" days... there were a few tears here and there, but it was different than I might have thought. The week leading up to it though, I definitely had some major emotions. My poor husband got the brunt of ugliness, because it not only came as tears and sadness, it worked its way into other places and I had a hard time managing my anger. Little things that only needed to be little, turned into BIG things. Ugliness, that's what it was, but it had to get out. I'm pretty sure that's why "the" days weren't as bad and overly emotional. There's more theory to that in my head, but I don't feel like diving into it at the moment.

Next up... Christmas...
Atleast Thanksgiving was a good preview... Mom loved giving gifts, she was a giver... of tangible gifts and gifts that had no monetary value at all, those were the best! 
My extended family wants Christmas lists, because we are a giving family and enjoy that part of Christmas... although this year it's harder than the rest because all I want for Christmas cannot be bought...

Mom always wrote an end of the year Christmas Letter... she sometimes wrote a mini devotional of sorts. She felt so strongly to drive home that this season is about Jesus coming and ultimately dying for us so that we might live. When I was a kid, I thought it was boring and wondered why the need, but now being older I can appreciate and understand her passion to let others know about the saving love of Jesus.

There's more thoughts and I want to write more, but it's quite late.  The end.

Overcomer

On the way home from work, this song, "Overcomer" by Mandisa was playing on the radio and I was morphed back to exactly a year ago.

It was the perfect day (for this made-for-heat-girl), blue skies with streaks of white clouds, mid 80s temp, and the anticipation of experiencing Disney World with my exactly 9mos old daughter.

We were walking down the sidewalk over a bridge in The Magic Kingdom and mom was about 20ft ahead of the group. While walking along she started singing, "You're an overcomer... You're an overcomer" (pretty sure that's the only line she remembered and repeated a few times) fairly loudly. I remember smiling and forcing back tears at the same time.

She was SO alive, SO free, living it all up and holding nothing back. It was beautiful. I would love to be transported back to that moment, that day, the trip.... and then just have it in a holding pattern.


But, this is real life.

I am confined to recalling the memories. I just pray they won't fade too much, or too fast. So here I go, repeating some of them so I can come back and reflect when my memory fails me...

We made so many memories... some of the favorites were when mom spent money without a thought, or when her thoughts were just hilarious about it because this was NOT her style at all. She was the coupon queen!
Growing up, it was a "mark it on the calendar" event when we went out to dinner as a family WITHOUT some sort of coupon or deal! She was frugal, and although I complained about it as a child, I wouldn't have it any other way(most of the time, because I could do without the guilt I have now when we go out to eat without a coupon.. lol).
SO... for her to enjoy this trip mostly coupon free and watch as she picked out her designer purse at the outlet mall (knowing it might only get a few months of use) was SUCH a joy!! Okay, so she got an amazing deal being at an outlet mall, (which made her excited too) but still it was one of those "frivolous" purchases that wasn't her norm.

There were many memories made during the drive in the RV... some so funny our sides hurt, some that were tiring and rough, some that were sweet and deep.

One evening in the dark of the night traveling, mom shared with me her struggles with the depression in the summer and how God brought her through that and the joy that she finally experienced.  I wish I could remember the details of that conversation, but they evade me. All I can put into words that make sense, is that it was a precious time for us to talk as it had been awhile. I do remember she asked me what I liked/loved best about being a mom. It was a hard question to answer at the time, mostly because of the circumstances from so many angles.

Let's see... I've drifted a bit... I don't really know where I'm going with this blog post...
that's why I only have one "official" follower :) as if it really matters... :D

I'm pretty tired so I think I'll just stop now... maybe I'll add more later

Thanks for reading.

6mos...

Mom,
It has been six whole months since you've been gone. it's weird. more than just weird, it sucks more than anything i've ever experienced. i don't like it, because part of life is moving on and it's feeling familiar. I have a conflict going on inside, still pained by your not being here with us and life going on and needing to move into the next phase and still having a really hard time accepting that. There are new life changes we've had to make... I got a new job, we moved in with dad, and Ryan is going on to grad school. big things. good things. hard things. Life keeps going and it wouldn't be good to just stop and not go with it, that's not healthy, but it's hard.

You would be having so so much fun with Greta right now. I remember a little conversation we had, before you were even diagnosed and she was only about a month. You said something close to, "right now it seems overwhelming and hard, but once she starts interacting and responding to you etc.,  you'll see how all that hard stuff is worth it." It was something like that, and I could see the excitement and joy on your face, in anticipation to see all the new stages you could experience with her too. It's unexplainable the love and joy she brings to me and Ryan on a daily basis. Diane Chinander recently saw a video of Greta on Facebook and said she could see your profile in her, I looked back on it and agreed. She sings her own made up songs in her language and will throw in mommy, daddy, water, cup or other words she knows. It reminds me of how you told me I did the same thing and how you loved to listen to me. I imagine if you were here, you'd tell me again how I did that, too. I love listening to her too and will remind her just like you did me.

A few days ago it was 4th of July, we had a fun time at the house with some of Ryan's family and also Dad, Karen, Pat and the kids. We went to fireworks in Blaine, like last year and found the perfect spot and the two things I kept thinking of that night were, "Mom would've loved them this year because it was SO breezy and kept the skeeters away(that's why i loved it so much too)!!! and The last time I sat and watched fireworks was with you at Epcot." I kept myself from getting too caught up in the emotions, but I was remembering the thoughts I had while watching the ones in Epcot.... wondering and having the feeling that it would be the last fireworks we'd see with you here.

I think I keep hearing you in my ear telling me I need to make a few important phone calls... One in which could help me sort through how to do this grieving thing better. I mean, not that I think I'm doing it wrong, but there are probably more tools out there that would help me when I'm feeling incapable of doing the simplest of things. But that's the irony, the phone calls are those little things that are the hardest to complete.

There are so many more things I could say, that I want so badly to say to you, but to you in person in the flesh and I can't.... I'm so jealous of you, I want to be where you are, yet I never ever want to leave this earth in my early years or until I'm old in my age unless it's the rapture and we who have been redeemed get to go home! I don't know how to end this.... but I must because it is late, you know how it is... I love you so very much and miss you more than words can say...
<3 LisaBecca

p.s. I wanted to show these two pics of us, mom, but man this last years' one barely looks like the real you :( those dumb steroid side effects! Fortunately, your heart deep down stayed in tact....

Back in the day with Hans Bakery cake

2013 Hans Bakery cake (specially made, as they weren't open yet)

Isaiah 40:11 and other thoughts on this journey without mom

I heard this verse in the moms book study I attended a couple of weeks ago. It really was what I needed in these last couple weeks.

I've had many days lately where I just want to call mom and tell her that I'm overwhelmed, that everything feels 100 times harder. I want to tell her all the things Greta is doing and I want to bring her over so mom can play with her and joke and follow her around. I watched some home videos awhile back with my sister, they were of my mom with my nieces and nephew when they were around Greta's age. I'm so angry and sad that mom never got to do that with her, that Greta will only have a very small handful of videos to watch of her and Grammy Patti.
I want to hear my mom tell me what to do in different situations, or what she did, or even just to listen and say "It's been so long, but I know you will figure it out..." or something like that.... But, it is comforting to go back to this verse. My God, the good shepherd, carries me, my family, my dad and my sister's family in his arms holding us close to his heart. And will gently lead me with my young. It just caught me off guard, that he specifically says he will lead the mother.

Not having a mother in this still new journey of motherhood is really disappointing and often displacing. I have my sister and many mom friends who obviously have good advice, but it's not the same and it's hard to figure out or just decide who to call. If I even deem it worth a call, because there were plenty of times I'd call mom with the silliest of things. Mom would always welcome any call at any time of day or night. That's one of the things that made her so special and unique, she was there no matter what time, she'd pick up her phone.

So, in those moments, when I feel so overwhelmed and I like I'm the worst mom in the world, I remind myself of that verse above, Isaiah 40:11....
He will lead me, when I don't know what to do and I'm so lost inside, I look to Him and with every frustration and passionate fury I cry out knowing he hears me, he loves me fiercely, he knows my every thought and takes me as I am in whatever emotional state I may be.

I don't know how to explain how I can be so angry and mad that my mom died, and yet not be angry at or blame God... I feel like my anger and love are both raging at the same time. I can't imagine my life without Jesus, who has saved me and been by my side every step of the way and provided for me in so many ways.... and I am so so angry that my mom is gone. I can't imagine that Jesus would take away my mother, whom I love so deeply, how could it happen? Why did He let it happen, it could have ended differently... so many churchy answers run through my head... and the only thing I can reconcile is that, I have never known anything but living in the knowledge that our God is a good God. Maybe it is my personality and nature of how I have grown up. If I let go of that knowledge, or just give up on it, there is no where I'd know to go that leads to anything good. It's another struggle of in between... in between the knowledge and deep belief that our God really is a good and fiercely loving God.... and that I'm hurting and angry that my mom is no longer on this earth. I'm so glad that our God is big enough to handle all of that!

more music...

when we were kids, mom would sometimes wake us up with music... it was the 80s and early 90s... i remember in jr. high/high school when i'd just get so annoyed and try to bury my head in my pillow because i didn't want to get up, but it never helped....
on a similar but different note, she also liked to blare christian music when the Jehovah's Witnesses came to the neighborhood. she'd prop dad's big bose speakers up by the window and turn up the volume. when they came to the door, she'd talk with them extensively, i don't think to convert them but to get them thinking. as a kid in elementary school, i was always embarrassed.

in honor of the 80s christian music she loved, i have posted a handful of random songs that bring back memories.... scroll down to sample or to listen in full :)

Petra - Beyond Belief Song(Original Music Video)

The blog wouldn't be complete without Petra... I almost forgot!!!!

Petra - I Am On The Rock

Steve Taylor - Meltdown

Amy Grant - Fight

David Meece - You can Go

this one I can hear her singing and dancing in that goofy hand punching to the beat way... oh man, if she were here now she'd do it still and we'd all laugh together :) i understand if you have to stop this one before the end... lol

Wayne Watson - Teenager in the house

I remember mom saying she was going to play this when Karen turned 13... she probably did... not sure about me :).... i cannot make out what the women are chanting in the "pre-chorus" something about "this is what can happen when..."

Wayne Watson - Home Free

New Life Worship - Great I Am

this song. gets me every time... except at the memorial service, i forget if i wrote
about that in any previous posts. the story is that throughout mom's
life when she would talk about her funeral/memorial service she'd say
how she didn't want "funeral drudges," people all wearing black, or
everyone being so somber, etc. etc. whenever i heard her say that i'd
say, "but mom, we'll be sad you're not here, i don't know how i couldn't
cry." she never said anything about tears, but i often associated it
that way, even though she wouldn't have wanted me to not "be real."

all of that to say, when it came down to the worship portion of the
service, there were no tears. at first i was thinking about it and so
surprised, and then i thought "okay, i'm going to sing/worship my heart
out since i am not overcome and sobbing." it was a beautiful thing for
me.

fast forward to today in church. i missed the first segment of worship before the message, but the ending worship song was "Great I Am"... and there were definitely tears and not being able
to sing. i hadn't been to church since the weekend after she passed, so the last time i had heard it was at the memorial service.

i have a feeling that church and worship in general will evoke this feeling in me for a long time to come, it's not an uncommon thing, it's just that it's the place where i become open and let my heart out to God, so i believe it will be an instrument of healing and grieving. mom, like me, so enjoyed worship in many different forms. i observed her open her heart even more in these most recent years at Substance Church services and the midweek meeting DEEPER Worship, to deeper places of worship as she would raise her hands and be ever more free to worship. up until that point, i had only seen her with hands close to her heart during worship. i know that everyone worships differently and just because you don't raise your hands doesn't mean you're not free in worship, but I just could feel a difference in her and it was an honor to watch.

my dad mentioned that if they were running late to church, she'd often head straight to the auditorium walking quickly ahead of him as not to miss a single phrase of worship. and she also would so often say "the worship was so great this morning!"

another favorite worship gathering she loved to attend and support was Heart of the City, which Dan and Sandy Adler started many years ago. i don't know if i'm speaking out of turn on behalf of my mom, but i think it is safe to say that Dan and Sandy's philosophy of worship really made an impact in her life, and definitely in mine as well. what i know i learned was that worship isn't just singing, and it also is so much about the heart. i am also going to post a song by Dan Adler called "We Choose to Bow" ... the style is much different than what most are used to now, but that's the beauty of a true heart of worship... i challenge you if it's not your usual style, to take a listen to this powerful song. I can hear my mom singing it :)

We Choose to Bow

first day back to work

today was my first day back to work. and tomorrow i don't have to work, thank the good lord, he knew after the first day i'd already need a break.

it didn't start out well this morning. 2mins after my 7am waking alarm went off, the phone rings and it's target. i'm half panicking half wondering if they're calling to say they made a scheduling taboo and i DON'T have to work. uh, WRONG, when would THAT ever happen?! back to reality. it's quite the opposite... "Hi Lisa, we're wondering if you could come in by 7:40 this morning, our opener called in?" me... "Umm... I'll do my best" click.

'frustration floods over me. really? on my first day back? to a place where the line is always 5deep at 7:57am (we open at 8am). noooo.. . .

. . .ok, i can do this without complaining. don't complain it just makes it worse. mom, why why why... i can do it. it'll be okay. maybe it won't be bad"

i continue to get ready as fast as i can.

upon arriving at work i find an LOD to punch me in (since i so willingly came in early, then proceed the walk to starbucks. as i pass the four etl's (store mgmt exec's) they don't pause in their conversation until i'm already passed them to say "oh good, thank you so much for coming in" as the back of my head is all they can see.

at this point, because of their lack of acknowledgement when they could've made eye contact, i wrote them off and didn't care to engage. i was angry. they didn't stop to tell me what the game plan was or if they had found someone that was going to cover for me. nobody knew it was my first day back.

as i started to try and open it was obvious i was on my own. i was overwhelmed and angry. i asked the deli team lead if she had a walkie and if someone could come over and then kind of shared my frustration and letting her know i didn't even know the recipe of the new drink. i was kind of being a baby about it all and had a hard time reeling it in. i was banging things around and at one point shared some of my angry opinions with the deli team lead about how i felt things should be handled differently when it came to call-ins.

all the while, i knew deep down, i was kind of being a baby about it all. i knew places to look for the new recipes and i knew how to open. the circumstances were just not ideal and i just couldn't cope very well with how it was going down. i didn't like the way i was behaving, but i felt like someone else should feel the frustration, too.

when the store opened i didn't have a single drip coffee ready. thankfully there was shockingly no line-up. there was one nice hispanic man very willing to wait for his grande pike place roast. he asked how my day was going and i said it could be better. he waited patiently and when it was finished wished me a better rest of the day and i wished his day well in return.

it continued on without being too busy, only a couple times before 9am did i have to call for back-up. people were pretty patient too.

okay. thanks god, you were lookin' out for me... you knew. i acknowledged that and was thankful to him.

a new to me employee came in at 9am, actually it was a former "regular" who i had talked to one night a few weeks previous when i saw her working behind the counter. i had told her about mom as Greta and i were about to go over there this one night. thankfully she knew and i didn't have to explain a thing.

about that time, i went in the back and saw the deli team lead and apologized for my crabby behavior. she received it graciously and told me if there was anyone to complain to it was her and that she understood. she was on a leave herself a few months ago, i believe in some sort of similar circumstance, and shared that her first day back was pretty awful too.

the rest of the day was mediocre, i honestly did my best to have a positive attitude, but i couldn't change my heart very well to "want" to be there... because i just didn't.

what do you say to the nice cashier whom you know, that is developmentally challenged, and asks you where you've been. i mean, it doesn't really matter that he has any challenge, it's just that what do you say? all i know is that i wasn't prepared for the question. i first said, "i was at home" (thinking to myself, 'well that sounds stupid, lisa') and then "my mom was sick" and i left it at that with a knot in my throat. i walked back to starbucks (we had been in the breakroom) on the verge of tears. i forget what kept me from spilling over, but something made me choke them back and I went on with the day.

in the end i figured that atleast i acknowledged my bad behavior and then displayed the best i could for the rest of the day, even though it wasn't a smile and filled with conversation.

The struggle of in-between... still another new kind of waiting and "in between"

I feel stuck sometimes. Not knowing how to respond to people when they ask "how are you"... the auto-pilot response kicks in much too quickly, still. "good" I'm definitely not "good" whatever that is, and yet I'm not unable to function as a normal human being.(whatever "normal" is)

People can't see grief. Even when they know what's going on. It doesn't look like someone crying for 24 hours/7days a week. And it's different for everyone. Feelings come when you least expect it sometimes.

I don't even know exactly what or how to write... I just really miss my mom and the struggle is living in this in between place. A place that will always remind me of her, no matter where we live, and it's good and it's hard. I want to be where she is, but I would never want to leave this place too soon as she did. It feels so odd because somehow this was God's plan, it's still hard to understand.

I cry when I think of things that pertain to Greta... just spending "grammy time" with her, seeing her open presents, walk all around, touch her nose when prompted, so many things... asking her parenting advice, or just get encouragement in parenting.

I broke down when I saw commercials for the Winter Olympics that are coming soon, as she loved watching the ice skating.

There are other random things that come up too... the things themselves aren't random but the moments they pop up are...


It feels strange not to be posting updates and such. It's nice to not have a lot of extra stuff to do, but it's quiet and lonely too. There was such a purpose and reason to all of the "busyness," and now it has finished. There was always a reason to see my sister and dad... not that there HAS to be a reason now, but at the same time it's how most people function.

What next?
I should google "Handbook on how to grieve and move on with your life at the same time"... I have a lot of ideas of ways to live out mom's legacy... individuals who I want to invest time in that may not have others to do so. There is more, but at the same time I feel like I'm walking in mud, or trying to run and then realizing I have to slow down before I fall face first.

So... yeah... still a struggle of in between... maybe that's just how life is really... in between one thing going on to the next...